Yes, He Crossed the Finish Line First

Courtesy: Berlingo

It was past midnight. Sam and Edrin were deep asleep in their bed. It was a double bed they were sharing. Months ago we decided to remove their single beds and replaced it with one queen-sized bed to share. Hence, it has been for the reason Edrin refused to sleep alone and left his bed disused all those while. I did try to get him to sleep in his own bed but later found, he kept tossing and turning with the eyes wide open in the dim of the light as to suggest his insecurity to slumber off by himself – he needs his big brother Sam to tag with.

With then a single-sized bed to be shared by the two, it looked jam-packed due to not enough space to support their boisterous moves while sleeping. I witnessed many times they would pitch, topple and tumble each other in their sleep. Every so often Edrin’s foot would be right on Sam’s nose or Sam’s heavy arm would overlay Edrin’s face. At times I’d hear their latent yet strident bawls in the middle of the night skirmishing for space. Occasionally Edrin would curl at the perimeter of the bed, cornered by Sam, confined to a little space while the rest of the bed was left wide and ample. And they might drool on each other.

I was standing at their bedroom door with lights from the family hall bright enough to see them sleeping with the bolster in the middle separated them. At that very moment, the medals hanging next to the bed brought me to the Sports Day in school a few weeks back. It had been a whimsical event for Edrin when he collected gold medals for his 100-meter and 200-meter runs and silver medal for his 4 x 100-meter in Std-4 category.

He was then whining over poor run by the comrade in second leg that made them resorted to silver medal in the 4 x 100m-relay. I remember, I quickly told him it was okay and better off not to reprimand or rather censure on others. I told him, as far as I was concerned he was indisputably a lucid champ for his age group. I teased him; he could even beat the hell out of the guys in Std 6. Consoled, with all smiles, he swiftly told me how he acted after crossing the finish line. He said he was like an athlete seen on TV with a single knee on the turf bowing down catching his breathes while the crowd especially Blue House kids were still in frenzy. And I remember I was perhaps happier than him seeing his pride soars due to his feat.

At another bedroom door in a different house long ago when Edrin was only a year-and-a-half or two, also standing, and just came back from overseas – luggage still in hand. First look at the cute little baby next to his mom sleeping had brought mixed feelings in me. Without precedent, my fatherly instinct was shrouded with some guilty conscious when I thought he grew up so fast in my absence. If I really had to be away for too long and not seeing him for months or a year, it perhaps provide good reason for spotting the difference but it was only a week before.

But then I realized. I was busy going places, complying with my work schedule. I didn’t really spend quality time with him unlike with Fara and Sam when they were babies.

He’d still be sleeping the time I left home before I had to catch my flight departing somewhere. And most of the times when I came back he’d already be asleep. In a hectic season, as good as early in the morning the next day after my arrival, I had to drag my feet back to the airport or hit the highway heading somewhere, north, south, all directions. If not, the work demands in office were just as heavy. I never had driven back home with the sun still in the sky.

Dropped my luggage, I went kneeling down on the floor close to the edge of the bed. I stroked Edrin’s face, hair, arms, hands, fingers and what not. Caressed and cuddled! Kissed! And kissed! Again! And again! And shoo-shoo when he showed sign of waking up. And Anak-ku pacifier came for the rescue.

I shouldn’t have had shed tears and I never wanted to, but that tiny little feeling in me kept developing and multiplying until it finally besieged – overwhelmed. I choked! I couldn’t help but weeping – tears were coming out fast, running down my cheeks. I had missed some beautiful moments seeing him growing up before my eyes. I felt like I was busy for nothing. Yeah, very true, it was all for the betterment of life as a whole that arithmetically would in turn provide happiness I was yearning for. And yet the readily happy thing right under my nose seemed to be overlooked and not well appreciated.

I let my feeling loose while I had all the time with myself – sobbing. It was an emotional moment – very personal – me and my own feeling – in the still of the night.

Up till this day I don’t know whether my wife was awake or not when I was entertaining my thoughts, feelings and emotions that night. Perhaps she wanted me to let it all out without any intrusion. I only woke her up after wiping out my tears. And I was contented to just ask about Edrin’s latest development.






GAB: Your children are babies only once in their lifetime.